Survivor Stories

Sad as it is, it helps to know that what happened to you, happened to lots of other people too. This is a place to read their stories. If you have a story to share, you can click here and submit it. Remember that there is no "true" confidentiality on the web-- you may want to omit or change your names for your own protection.We respect your right to privacy and confidentiality. Click to submit your story

"Emily's" Story

I didn't realize that what happened to me was "abuse" until I spoke with the pastor who performed my marriage last summer. I just wanted to be sure that he would still perform the wedding if he knew what happened to me before.   After I told him, he was completely supportive of my current husband and reassured me that what happened before was wrong.  I thought that it was just a five year long relationship...in other words, a 5 year long extra-marital affair because the teacher was married.  "J" was my high school orchestra teacher.  Our school's music program was one of the best in the state.

Sure, I had problems at home.  Long story short: my parents divorced when I was nine-also when I started my instrument (which has always been there for me).  I went to weekend visitations with my dad-but during the weeks my mom frequently said bad things about him-he slightly less so about her, but it still happened, and for a long time I hated men.  My dad was an alcoholic, and I remember seeing him roll joints in the house when we all lived together...he has had many DUI's/DWI's...and I got hit a few times by both parents when I got in trouble, but I don't consider it physical abuse.  He left because he had been cheating on my mom.  My mom and I lived together in a 1-bedroom apartment (I'm an only child) for a while until we could afford the two bedroom next door.  She slept a lot-was mentally ill, and pretty depressed.  Lost her job, didn't want to drive me to school often for our early morning rehearsals in high school for a select string group...so eventually this teacher started driving me.  (this is during Freshman year).   He knew things weren't good at home, and I felt comfortable talking to him-admired him, as he played the same instrument as I did very well...and I looked up to him very much.  I always had 1-2 good girlfriends, but was never popular, and never had a boyfriend.

He suggested I talk to the school social worker about things at home-and I did go.  Didn't say anything that would warrant the social worker having to call my mom-but he did and I found out when she came to get me from school the next day, upset that I couldn't talk to her about things.  So I just never went back.  I'd talk to this teacher instead, and felt safe in the orchestra room-would spend some lunch hours in his office instead of with the other students.  I remember he once said during my sophomore year that if he had had a daughter he would've wanted one just like me.  So this is how he "groomed" me...made me feel safe...he was probably planning to try something all along, and just waited until my senior year-waited until I was 18 for sex.  It even happened at school in a storage area in the music wing a few times.  He touched me even in the car behind the seat-when another music teacher from the district was riding with us and sitting in the front seat!-on a state retreat.  He got me to sneak into his hotel room (when the same other teacher from the car) when his roommate was away.   Many times things happened in the car too-in forest preserves, parks, or big parking lots....and many times a certain CD/opera prelude was playing on the stereo.   Every time I hear this piece now I get nauseous, shaky and can't stop crying.  Being in the music world professionally, this is a piece one comes across frequently, so I need to learn how to deal enough to just be able to get through it.

I never refused him...thought I was grown up, at first I felt bad for his wife-I knew her pretty well, she was very nice and I liked her.  Then at other times I felt like I was the other woman, and wanted him all to myself-wanted him to leave her.  He would say that he was going to, but it just didn't happen.  He did live in an extended stay hotel for a while during a time after I had graduated from high school (this situation continued throughout my undergraduate days at a college within an hour away.   He would drive out to see me, and I put those times at the top of my priority list, and didn't have many close friends for fear of them finding out how old my "boyfriend" was.)  During the last two years of the situation, he would sometimes say that his wife had followed him out there-she did know by this time, she had called his cell phone once when we were in the car-he thought he had hung up, but hadn't and she had heard us talking...He said she had followed him out to the town where my school was, and yelled at him when he was in the street walking to my place.  Not sure if any of this is true, but I know that she definitely knew.

He did say it was love-we said we "loved" each other all the time, and he even talked of possible marriage and reversal of his vasectomy, and having kids someday...even went looking for apartments for "us" once during my senior year (but he never got divorced), and gave me a ring (not diamonds though, but I wore it on the correct finger to keep other guys away).

I tried to get out of things three times during my senior year of undergrad, and wasn't able to completely sever the ties until I went away to grad school in another state.  The last time I saw him was over the first Christmas break four years ago-just to see what I felt when I saw him.  I knew it wasn't love.  I didn't feel much of anything, and I am glad I asked him to meet so that I could at least know that I didn't 'love' him any longer.  He didn't try anything then-didn't even ask why I wanted to see him.

Looking back on all of this is hard because I think about it every day, and spend too much energy trying to learn more about why it was wrong, and why I can't just accept what happened, and be happy in my new marriage to a wonderful husband (who I met when I was in that other state for grad school).  I'm spending too much time in the past, and not getting what I need to done in my present, post-graduate Doctoral program in the music field.  Hearing my situation labeled as "abuse" has made me view everything in a different light.  I'm now uncomfortable around male teachers-especially if I have a lesson, or just a talk, with one in a room with no window in the door.

I was never hit-never threatened with people being killed if I told anyone...but I WAS manipulated into believing that I wanted certain things to happen.  I had sex hundreds, maybe thousands of times with someone who was using me, and keeping me around by saying he loved me, and giving me money, gifts, and attention.

I did tell a friend of the family I was seeing him once when I was drunk.  She kept the secret for a few years because I thought I might end up with this man-and she loved me enough to support me in anything I wanted.  Then when I eventually became jumpy and easily upset by everything a couple years later, she told the other relatives I lived with.  They all supported me, and I really needed to figure out what I want.  When I figured out I wanted to get out of the situation, the friend called the school he taught at-not sure what she said, or what they know...and another friend helped me go over to that school and get all of my belongings that had been stored there (because when I moved from my college apartment, I thought my family would disown me, and I needed somewhere to store most of my things.)  But before we could leave with 30 boxes of my belongings, they all had to be searched by a school official to make sure I wasn't stealing anything from the school.  So they opened everything and searched it all in front of me going through all my things-some of them private.  This is why I hate being searched at airports and museums, even though it's necessary-I hate people going through my things.

I haven't reported this teacher.  I recently visited the area near my high school and drove past his house-vowing to just tell him that what he did was abuse, wrong, and hurtful...if he happened to be outside.  Instead there was a "For Sale" sign on the lawn.  Now, the possibility of confrontation is very slim, and that bothers me.  During our 'time together' I remember asking him if he had ever cheated on his wife before, and he said yes but would not tell me with who-or if it was another student or not.  I can't have been the only one.  He was not a stupid man-he transferred to another school in the same district for his last two years, and retired  two years ago.  I'm guessing his wife also retired from her job and they are going to move somewhere in the southern U.S.